7:42 in the morning

Eight seconds before it all sinks in

Put your best face on for the world

Fake another smile and just pretend

But you're just puttin' off the pain

Nothing's ever really gonna change

How do I explain the last five months? It has been five months of my new reality and, in some ways it hasn't really sunk in, but in others it has. I have been hurt to my core and I tried to hold it is, to hold myself together. But I realize that is just going to keep the pain fresh, and cause me to become bitter.

So let it hurt, let it bleed

Let it take you right down to your knees

Let it burn to the worst degree

May not be what you want, but it's what you need

Sometimes the only way around it

Is to let love do it's work

I cling to God's promise. I lay my hurt out in prayer and let myself feel all of it. I opened up to friends and family. I started writing about my feelings. I cannot live for myself, by myself. I don't work that way, so I hold onto God and my family and my friends.

I always feel the bitterness trying to sneak its way into me. I know how easily it could sour my memories, but I had happy times, and I want to remember them as happy.

She would always like to say,

“Why change the past,

When you can own this day?”

Today she will fight,

To keep her way.

She’s a rogue and a thief,

And she’ll tempt your fate.

I start to draw again. To listen to music again. To enjoy the little things. The tune is catchy and get stuck in my head. But what gets stuck in my heart is Sera's question. "Why change the past when you can own this day?" I want to own today.

I will be true to my hurt and pain. I will be true to the happiness of the past. I will pursue my God now. I will own this day by enjoying each moment.

Two songs

From a talk with a friend, there are two songs that come to mind which have really helped me in the past months deal with my emotions. Because of their juxtaposition I thought I would share them together. Let it hurt by Rascal Flatts and Sera was never by Elizaveta. Maybe I will explain this tomorrow, because I should be sleeping now.

Chaos

Four months ago I would have told you that life full of normal stresses but uneventful.  Today is a different. Today I am over my in over my head in the chaos.

I am "the straight spouse ". I am the one left behind to pick up the pieces when my husband told me that our marriage  is over because he is gay.

I did not deal with it well. My marriage, my self-confidence, my dreams, my best friend: gone.

I am home now. Back in the town I grew up in. I have the suport of my family. I miss my friends. But I am in a much better place emotionally and spiritually.

I knew my husband likes men when we were dating, more than he liked women, but he said he loved me more, chose me, wanted to be with me forever. So I was committed, he had chosen me and I believed that was all that mattered.

I love him still.

I question if our understanding of love is the same.

I have a very difficult time understanding when people say that is just the way he was born. My choice and honour are higher in my identity than my sexual preferences. It is hard to empathize with those who find their identity  so strongly in their sexuality, but I comprehend that people do. In the same way, my honour to my word defines me in my mind. I have a hard time going back on my word; I think hard before speaking so that I minimize the times that I might have to.  So that he said he did love me and wanted to be with me once, but doesn't want to now: I comprehend but I cannot understand.

Even though I have questioned my own sexuality, I still don't understand.  I did get to choose to be straight.  I can tell you which grade and my general thought process. I'm still attracted to people but they are not who I chose  so I am free to enjoy their beauty for who they are. I still don't understand, but I want to.

So I am the straight spouse, learning who I am without my chosen.

I am the one left behind to find a new path.

At first, I was terrified.  I was alone.  I was lost.

But I am still me.  I can pick up my dreams again and have no restrictions. I can go anywhere and do anything.

It is not my fault he left me. I am attractive. I am smart. I am strong.

I still love him.  I would like if he realized that he still loves  me as he said in our vows. But I will thrive even if he doesn't.

I am sad.  I will grieve. I will acknowledge the hurt. I will remember the good. I will dance. I am joyful.

I will trust that my God will work even this  for His glory. I choose to trust more in this chaos than I did before.

You might just find you're better for it
When you let go and you learn
To let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
~Let It Hurt by Rascal Flatts

The Kingdom, Starfield

Rooftops

This was the prelude at church this morning.

From the Valley

More-with-Less Cooking

A while ago at a used book sale I saw a cookbook that looked familiar; sure enough it was a copy of one of the staple cookbooks which a dear friend and mentor had on her shelf. I bought it for about $2 and forgot about it.

I found it again at it is a perfect guide for the food project we are setting out on. The book was published in 1976 so some of the statistics are wrong now, however, how to make sure you are eating whole proteins with legumes and grains hasn't changed, nor has the fact that meat costs a whole lot more per gram a protein as the vegetarianism options.

The book is More-with-Less Cookbook by Doris Janzen Longacre and is filled with good old fashion Mennonite cooking sense. Now I am not Mennonite myself but every Mennonite I have met has had an appreciation of good food, and usually lots of it.

So here we go, aiming for a less meat and lower cost meal but more filling and satisfying!

First meal attempt:
Six-Layer Dish
I was craving a casserole type bake anyway.

Layer in order given in a 2qt. greased casserole, seasoning each layer with salt and pepper:
2 medium potatoes, sliced
2 medium carrots, sliced
1/3 c. uncooked rice
2 small onions, sliced
1 lb ground beef
1 qt. canned tomatoes
Sprinkle ove;
1 Tbsp brown sugar
Bake at 300 for 2 1/2 - 3 hours
Options:
Just before ground beef add 1 c. cooked kidney beans, drained.
Substitutes browned book sausage for ground beef.

I'm adding the beans, substituting chicken and omitting the onion, mostly because of what we have available in our pantry. It's not normally what I would make, but nothing we wouldn't normally eat, and it does look more filling than what I would normally make. I am looking forward to it.

Hopefully it cooks down, or the 2 qt. pan might not have been big enough...