Chaos

Four months ago I would have told you that life full of normal stresses but uneventful.  Today is a different. Today I am over my in over my head in the chaos.

I am "the straight spouse ". I am the one left behind to pick up the pieces when my husband told me that our marriage  is over because he is gay.

I did not deal with it well. My marriage, my self-confidence, my dreams, my best friend: gone.

I am home now. Back in the town I grew up in. I have the suport of my family. I miss my friends. But I am in a much better place emotionally and spiritually.

I knew my husband likes men when we were dating, more than he liked women, but he said he loved me more, chose me, wanted to be with me forever. So I was committed, he had chosen me and I believed that was all that mattered.

I love him still.

I question if our understanding of love is the same.

I have a very difficult time understanding when people say that is just the way he was born. My choice and honour are higher in my identity than my sexual preferences. It is hard to empathize with those who find their identity  so strongly in their sexuality, but I comprehend that people do. In the same way, my honour to my word defines me in my mind. I have a hard time going back on my word; I think hard before speaking so that I minimize the times that I might have to.  So that he said he did love me and wanted to be with me once, but doesn't want to now: I comprehend but I cannot understand.

Even though I have questioned my own sexuality, I still don't understand.  I did get to choose to be straight.  I can tell you which grade and my general thought process. I'm still attracted to people but they are not who I chose  so I am free to enjoy their beauty for who they are. I still don't understand, but I want to.

So I am the straight spouse, learning who I am without my chosen.

I am the one left behind to find a new path.

At first, I was terrified.  I was alone.  I was lost.

But I am still me.  I can pick up my dreams again and have no restrictions. I can go anywhere and do anything.

It is not my fault he left me. I am attractive. I am smart. I am strong.

I still love him.  I would like if he realized that he still loves  me as he said in our vows. But I will thrive even if he doesn't.

I am sad.  I will grieve. I will acknowledge the hurt. I will remember the good. I will dance. I am joyful.

I will trust that my God will work even this  for His glory. I choose to trust more in this chaos than I did before.

You might just find you're better for it
When you let go and you learn
To let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
~Let It Hurt by Rascal Flatts