Please not again...

So, it's a new semester and after 1.5 weeks of classes, I think I may go to the doctor to talk about depression again. I can count that it has been at least 17 days of feeling like I am on the edge of sanity and tears. Part of my emotionalism I blamed on my period but still, I've been catching myself thinking dark grey thoughts and then fear threatens to overwhelm me. Fear is still novel for me, although I do know it, but now I have put a name to it and I realized that I've been fearful for a long time. The foremost fear at the moment is of failing more classes. I did so miserably last semester and now it is hard to write any paper because I'm sure I will fail before I start. I still feel normal at times, but it is less than half the day I feel like that now... Well, I don't remember the rest of my train of thought but I have got this out now and that's important because I don't want to forget how I feel when I am more awake... Yes 17 days is long enough to go to the doctor... but I don't want to go on meds again... I hope with an outside perspective I can figure another way to get through this.

Perfectionism rears its head once again

I pushed myself beyond my limits again. Mostly I didn't expect being married to take up so much more time. Between having a new husband and a place to have people over my school work has suffered. It is really hard to deal with my failure because it feels like school was the only thing a excelled in, at least I have prided my self in being a scholar. I want to do well so bad, but feeling like I can't I lean towards apathy instead of working steadily at what I can. I'm so tired of feeling anxious about all this. I feel more anxious about what I will do when I am done school though... Well, I won't have to worry about that for another semester at least. I don't think I can catch up enough to graduate this spring. I'm so ready to be done but I'm frightened of what comes after, I guess of the unknown. I'm tried and my head hurts, but back to work for now.