Stars make me feel loved

Found this floating around in my draft folder. It was written 9/30/10.

So there is a mission conference this weekend at our school. The keynote speaker is fun, he is so passionate and still transparent. "We prefer to call 'closed countries', creative access."

And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
(Matthew 24:14 ESV)

Restore us again, O God of our salvation,
and put away your indignation toward us!
Will you be angry with us forever?
Will you prolong your anger to all generations?
Will you not revive us again,
that your people may rejoice in you?
Show us your steadfast love, O LORD,
and grant us your salvation.
(Psalm 85:4-7 ESV)

Just seem to be stuck in this chaos

I know it's not as bad as I see. I'm sitting here in class, hearing again how behind I am. I'm tired. But all there is is to keep going. Lord give me strength because I feel consumed by this chaos.

The weekend was good. Very busy and very fun. I think I am still tired out from it though. I'm all peopled out... but people won't just go away for a while.

I just needed to vent a little of this to keep myself from panic in the swamp of everything I must do. I'll be better when the weather warms up.

Please not again...

So, it's a new semester and after 1.5 weeks of classes, I think I may go to the doctor to talk about depression again. I can count that it has been at least 17 days of feeling like I am on the edge of sanity and tears. Part of my emotionalism I blamed on my period but still, I've been catching myself thinking dark grey thoughts and then fear threatens to overwhelm me. Fear is still novel for me, although I do know it, but now I have put a name to it and I realized that I've been fearful for a long time. The foremost fear at the moment is of failing more classes. I did so miserably last semester and now it is hard to write any paper because I'm sure I will fail before I start. I still feel normal at times, but it is less than half the day I feel like that now... Well, I don't remember the rest of my train of thought but I have got this out now and that's important because I don't want to forget how I feel when I am more awake... Yes 17 days is long enough to go to the doctor... but I don't want to go on meds again... I hope with an outside perspective I can figure another way to get through this.

Perfectionism rears its head once again

I pushed myself beyond my limits again. Mostly I didn't expect being married to take up so much more time. Between having a new husband and a place to have people over my school work has suffered. It is really hard to deal with my failure because it feels like school was the only thing a excelled in, at least I have prided my self in being a scholar. I want to do well so bad, but feeling like I can't I lean towards apathy instead of working steadily at what I can. I'm so tired of feeling anxious about all this. I feel more anxious about what I will do when I am done school though... Well, I won't have to worry about that for another semester at least. I don't think I can catch up enough to graduate this spring. I'm so ready to be done but I'm frightened of what comes after, I guess of the unknown. I'm tried and my head hurts, but back to work for now.